Ruth’s Reveries

1. Because of all the stress, I am actually down to the goal weight I’ve been wanting to achieve for the past +5 years.

2. I can eat all sorts of cookies, brownies, ice cream, cake, without feeling guilty.
(Breastfeeding + stress + no sleep = skinny)

3. My baby has the most beautiful smile and the most adorable little giggle.

4. My husband loves me and takes really good care of me. I’m an incredibly lucky girl.

5. In my time of need, my closest friends are there to love me and support me, no questions asked. They accept me for who I am without judgment.

6. Because it seems like 90% of moms out there cannot relate or do not understand my experience, there is a small group of 10% or less that actually do, because our babies are not the “easiest” of the bunch. Because of these common struggles, our bonds are that much tighter as we share stories and offer support and understanding.

7. Because of my realization of #6, I am much more compassionate to those who struggle with not-so-easy babies, and I have a deeper understanding what is helpful to them, and what is not helpful. No one parenting style is superior over another. Every parent is different, every baby is different. There is no “one size fits all” for everyone. This reminds me to be sensitive and thoughtful and discerning in my words; loving, compassionate, and kind in my actions. In the end, sometimes it’s just best to hold my tongue and offer a hug.

8. Because even the smallest milestones are struggles for us, I don’t take anything for granted.

9. Because we have sacrificed more than the usual, we are grateful for so much more.

10. Because my baby’s personality is very very different from my own, it has challenged me and taught me to love and accept wholly and completely (the good and the bad) who he is and who he might become as a person, no matter what the differences/incompatibilities are.

11. I now know a lot about true colic, now that I’ve experienced it first-hand with my baby.

12. I now know a lot about the science of infant sleep, it’s coming out of my ears. I’ve read so many books, done so much online research, made a lot of observations with my own baby (since I used to hold him for all his naps and some night sleep) and his sleep cycles, experimented with different ways of putting him down to sleep, when to put him to sleep, how long he sleeps, how he sleeps, etc.; been keeping a sleep log for the past couple months to see changes and shifts in his sleep patterns and seeing his biological sleep rhythms emerging and maturing… I feel like I can write a dissertation on all this. (And my test subject is my own baby.) People are starting to come to me for advice on infant sleep (friends and strangers alike), which is incredulous to me because I’m just a first-time mom, and haven’t even been doing this for even a full 6 months yet.

13. Because I have cried so much and had multiple breakdowns in the past couple months, I am now getting used to and being OK with, being so vulnerable and transparent in front of my husband (I struggled with this before).

14. I have first-hand experience to now know the difference between 1) baby blues, 2) post-partum depression (PPD), and 3) being down because life is hard. All 3 are very very different. Nearly everyone has #1 within the first month because of all those crazy post-partum hormones. #3 is no different than any other stressor in your life – when life is tough, things are not great. And that’s natural and OK. It doesn’t mean you are clinically depressed or have PPD. #2 is real depression, very similar to clinical depression – loss of interest/pleasure in things that you used to be interested in, no appetite, loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness/guilt for no apparent reason, fearful thoughts of potentially harming yourself (suicidal) or your baby, etc.

I have had all 3 – #1 felt like PMS on a different level. #3 has been on-going for me for the past 5-6 months. And #2 happened for me somewhere around New Years, when my baby turned 4 months, due to a series of cumulative events that caused me to completely fall off the wagon. (Did you know that there is research that shows a very strong link between colic babies, sleep problems with those babies, and maternal depression at 4 months? I was no exception to that, unfortunately.) I’m doing much better now, but still am dealing with #3. But that’s OK. I am OK. I am going day by day, but in the end, I am OK.

15. Because of my recent brush with PPD (see above), I have come out of it feeling stronger and more sure of myself than ever before. Despite all the discouraging words around me (whether intentional or not), I know what I am doing. I trust myself. I trust my God-given mommy instincts, and my hunches are usually correct. I am intelligent, conscientious, thoughtful, and intuitive. As a mom I absolutely cannot afford the luxury of self-doubt, and this pushes me even further to get a hold of myself and stand very firmly in my self-assuredness. It is possible to possess humility and confidence at the same time.

16. Because of my experiences with #11-15, I have found new friends and strengthened connections with old friends that have gone through (or are currently going through) the same experiences. I know I am not alone. I know that I am doing a kick ass job with what has been given to me (more than anyone in my shoes would be able to do).

17. Because life has been hard, my husband and I have banded together to get through it together, and we are closer than we ever have been before. We have more heart-to-heart talks about our past and what life was like before, where we’re at now, where we’re headed, etc. I cherish our times together and now find that our “debriefing” (which usually happens in the evenings) is an absolute necessity to keeping us going. I have to cancel a lot of our usual plans (parties, dinners, social events, knitting nights, etc) to get this precious time, but it’s worth it. I would fall apart without it.

18. My mom and I now have something huge in common. We are both mothers. And have reconnected again.

19. I love my baby so much, when I think about it, sometimes it’s hard to fathom. A mother’s love is so incredibly huge and overwhelming. Even though life is not easy, I would not trade my baby for anything in this world. I love him so much.

20. Experiencing #19 gives me a glimpse as to how absolutely immeasurably and unfathomably enormous God’s love is for me. I have not even begun to touch the tip of this iceberg of a lesson.

I have always been fascinated with personalities and temperament. And with my baby, I was eager to find out what his personality was. Back at 2 months, I had a hunch, but I knew it was too early to tell. Now that we are at 5 months, I think I know what it is.

From research done a couple decades ago, temperament is measured by 9 different categories (intensity, persistence, sensitivity, perceptiveness, adaptability, regularity, energy, first reaction, and mood). Certain categories seem to cluster together consistently – mood, intensity, adaptability, and first reaction. These particular babies also were irregular in their bodily functions.  This was labelled as “difficult temperament”. (I had to pull out my undergrad HDE textbooks for this, and Weissbluth mentions this in his book “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”.)

On a simplier scale, Tracy Hogg of The Baby Whisperer created 5 “types”:

EVERYDAY MOMENTS: THE FIVE TYPES

Temperament is a key factor in how your baby or toddler gets through the day. The following thumbnail descriptions and information come from years of observing babies. I give this to you only as a guide, not because your baby should be acting a certain way.

ANGEL

Eating: They’re generally good eaters as babies; if given a chance, they’re open to trying new (solid) food.

Activities: Moderately active; they play independently from babyhood on. These babies have a high tolerance for change; they’re very portable. They’re also very social, like to interact, and are good at sharing unless overwhelmed by another child’s aggressiveness.

Sleep: Go down easily and independently; sleep long stretches by 6 weeks. After 4 months will take a good 2-hr long nap in the morning, 1.5 hr nap in the afternoon, and until around 8 months, a 45 min catnap in the early evening.

Mood: Usually easygoing and upbeat and not extremely reactive to stimulation or change. Their moods are steady and predictable. Parents find them easy to read because their emotional signs are so apparent. Hence, hunger is not often mistaken for fatigue.

How They’re Often Described: Good as gold. Didn’t even know I had a baby in the house. I could have five children like him. We were really lucky.

TEXTBOOK

Eating: Very similar to Angel babies, although solid foods may have to be introduced more slowly.

Activities: Moderately active. Since they do everything on time, it’s easy to choose appropriate-level toys. Some are real doers; others hang back a bit.

Sleep: They usually need toe full 20 minutes – the typical time it takes a baby to drift from tiredness to settling into sleep. If particularly overstimulated, they may need a bit more calming from a parent.

Mood: Similar to Angel babies, they’re low reactors – fairly unflappable, as long as someone pays attention to their signs of hunger, sleep and stimulation, and so on.

How They’re Often Described: She’s right on time with everything. She’s mellow unless she needs something. A low maintenance child.

TOUCHY

Eating: Tend to get easily frustrated, and anything can upset their desire to eat – flow, body position, conditions in the room. If breastfed, may have trouble latching on and difficulty getting a sucking rhythm. Will balk at any kind of change of or you talk too loud. Refuse solids at first – you have to be persistent.

Activities: Very cautious about new toys, new situations, new people, and need a lot of support in such instances, or when going through any kind of transition. They tend to have low-activity levels, and need to be encouraged to participate. They’re usually less sensitive in the morning and better at one-on-one play than groups. Avoid afternoon play dates.

Sleep: Extremely important to swaddle and block out stimulation. If you miss their “sleep window”, these babies get so overtired that it takes at least twice as long to get them to sleep. They tend to go back to sleep in midmorning for a long stretch and only catnap in the afternoon.

Mood: They’re sometimes cranky in the delivery room, where the bright lights seem to overwhelm them. They are highly irritable, very reactive to and easily upset by external stimulation.

How They’re Often Described: A real crybaby. The slightest thing sets him off. He’s not good with other people. He always ends up in my lap or clinging to my leg.

SPIRITED

Eating: Very similar to Angel baby in the eating department, but breastfeeders can get impatient. If Mum’s letdown is too slow, he’ll bob off the breasts as if to say, “Hey, what gives?” Sometimes, you need to give a supplement with a bottle until the milk really gets flowing.

Activities: High energy, feisty, and very active. They are ready to jump into almost any situation, and exercise little impulse control or caution when they do. They are highly reactive and can be aggressive with peers. Because they’re usually more cooperative in the morning, avoid afternoon play groups so they can wind down.

Sleep: As babies, they hate being swaddled, but you absolutely need to block out any visual stimulation. They tend to be resistant to naps or nighttime rituals, because they don’t want to miss anything. If you’re lucky, even though they sleep less in the morning, it will be followed by a long afternoon nap, which is key to a good night’s sleep for these kids.

Mood: When they want something, they want it now! Opinionated, very vocal, and often stubborn, their moods are mercurial, going quickly from happy to sad and back again. They love the action but also tend to overdo it, which can lead to a meltdown. Tantrums are hard to stop once they get going. Transitions can be tough, too.

How They’re Often Described: A handful. Always into something, I don’t have the energy to keep up with her. She’s fearless.

GRUMPY

Eating: They’re very impatient. If breastfed, they don’t like to wait for Mum’s letdown; they sometimes do better if bottle-fed.  However, in both cases, feeds can take a long time, which tends to overtire them. They don’t adapt easily to solids and when they finally do, they tend to insist on the same foods over and over.

Activities: They’re on the low end of the activity continuum, preferring to play by themselves and to use their eyes and ears more than their bodies. If they’re engaged with a toy or an activity, they hate to be interrupted and find it hard to end one thing and start another.

Sleep: Sleep doesn’t come easily to these babies. They often get overtired because they’re so resistant, and then they tend to fuss themselves to sleep. These children also tend to be catnappers, sleeping in only 40 minute stretches, which sets off a vicious cycle.

Mood: As we say in Yorkshire, these babies are often “on the fuss”. Like a simmering pot that you have to watch to make sure it doesn’t boil over, you have to keep an eye on their emotional signs. The slightest variation from routine can set them off: a missed nap, a stimulating activity, too much company. Without a routine, their lives are in turmoil, and eventually they take over your life.

How They’re Often Described: What a sourpuss. He seems to prefer playing on his own. I feel like I’m always waiting for his next meltdown. He always has to have his way.

Guess which one is Nathaniel? He gravitates heavily towards “touchy”, with a pinch of “grumpy” in the mix as well. Here is another summary that describes him pretty well:

The Touchy Baby

For an ultrasensitive baby such as yours, the world is an endless array of sensory challenges. She flinches at the sound of a motorcycle revving outside her window, the TV blaring or a dog barking in the house next door. She blinks or turns her head away from bright light. She sometimes cries, even at her mother, for no apparent reason. At these moments, she’s shouting (in her baby language), “I’ve had enough — I need some peace and quiet.” She often gets fussy after a number of people have held her or after outings. She will play on her own for a few minutes, but she needs the reassurance that someone she knows well — Mom, Dad, a nanny — is close by. Because this type of baby likes to suck a lot, mom may misread her cues and think she’s hungry when she’d do just as well being calmed in another way. She also nurses erratically, sometimes acting as if she has forgotten how. At naptime and at night, your baby often has difficulty falling asleep. Touchy babies like her easily get off schedule, because their systems are so fragile. An extra-long nap, a skipped meal, an unexpected visitor, a trip, a change in formula — any of these things can throw your baby for a loop. To calm the touchy baby, you have to recreate the womb. Swaddle her tightly, snuggle her into your shoulder and whisper a rhythmic sh … sh … sh … (like the splashing of fluid in the womb) close to her ear, and pat her back gently, mimicking a heartbeat. (This, by the way, will calm most babies, but it works especially well with a touchy baby.) When you have a touchy baby, the quicker you learn her cues and her cries, the simpler life is. Your baby loves structure and predictability — no hidden surprises, thank you.

And for the post-colic profile, he definitely also fits the bill, as per Weissbluth in “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”:

Extremely Fussy/Colicky Infants

Colicky babies are difficult to manage for 3-5 months because they are intense, wakeful, stimulus sensitive, irregular when they do sleep, and sleep for brief periods. They have long periods of fussing and crying. Often a portion of their crying is inconsolable. They are hard to read. Most parents have difficulty telling whether they are hungry, fussy, or plain overtired.

[There are] some biological disturbances in infants that can cause an overaroused, too wakeful, hyperalert, irregular state full of crying, especially in the late afternoon or early evening. This is commonly called “colic”. In the past the crying part of colic has been thought to be the major problem. But while this evening crying diminished at about three to four months, the wakeful, not sleeping, state may continue and thus be more serious and harmful in the long run.

I could write tons and tons on my thoughts and experiences on colic. Many people who don’t understand colic think that the term is a “catch all” phrase for general unexplained fussiness in babies (by the way, there is a huge difference between everyday “fussiness” and outright screaming). Or babies with reflux. Or tummy problems. Or gas. (One thing I do want to add is that many colic babies actually do have reflux, but not all reflux babies have colic. The difference with reflux vs. colic is that reflux has a series of symptoms that show itself related with feedings, but colic only happens during the late afternoon/evening, regardless of feeding times. We had both issues happening at the same time, but the reflux resolved itself a lot sooner -thanks to meds- than the colic). But I think there’s more to it than that. If the colic problem can be solved/fixed easily with a particular solution, then it probably wasn’t colic to begin with – it was whatever the solution was. Personally, I think colic has something to do with hormone levels, perhaps an immature nervous system, and some link to certain temperaments and sleep problems. Less than 10% of babies have true colic. I’m quite sure we were in that category. Now that we are post-colic, the colic evening screaming fits are gone, but what is left, is still very much the same. There is a post-colic profile that I’m still learning about, and we may possibly fit that. There is some link between colic/post-colic, temperament, and sleep habits. I’ve read about it, and I’m seeing it now in my son. I can’t quite put my finger on it (is it the chicken or the egg? type of thing) but I know there is some connection, and we are in it right now.

I didn’t really know we have a “hard” baby, until recently. Well, I knew he wasn’t the easiest one out there, but since I am a first-time mom and don’t have much personal experience to compare to, I just didn’t know how difficult we had it. Now that we are at 5 months, I’m realizing that we have it more difficult than a lot of people. At this point, I just don’t know how difficult. But it doesn’t matter, it’s a moot point. Yes, Nathaniel requires a lot of our energy and time. Yes I am going insane on a weekly basis. Yes I have cried a lot these past few months and had a couple breakdowns. But despite all this (or rather, because of all this), I think I love him even more… perhaps because we have been through so much together already. And it’s only been 5 months. A mother’s love is so incredible and boundless. I would never trade my baby for anybody else’s in the world. He’s my sensitive, alert, wakeful, picky, fussy little guy. He cannot handle a lot, and needs more comforting/coddling than most. He is my little angel baby, definitely a gift from above, and a joy to my heart. He’s not “perfect”, but he is perfect for us. I cannot imagine life without him. As a mother, I want to give the world to him. If a mother’s love is this huge, I can’t even fathom what God’s love is like towards us.

We’re noticing how quickly N picks up on things. He is forming associations left and right. They say you can’t spoil a child at this age, but I think you can unknowingly create an association for him right now that might be difficult to wean apart later. N knows to expect certain things at certain times. He is starting to form connections between events, and that there is a pattern to them all. The way Wayne holds him out for me to nurse him, he knows what is coming (and pauses from his hunger cries). The way I start to rock him to sleep, he knows what’s coming (and protests). When he was just a week or two old, he would cry at every diaper change. Since then, I started creating a positive association with diaper changes with him by catching him in a good mood (usually after a feeding) to change his diaper… I’d turn on happy baby music, talk to him, and create a “play” atmosphere. Now, whenever we change his diaper, he’s quite happy, and thinks its “play” time. Wayne tested this out by picking N up from the crib when he was crying (he was done with his nap and was hungry) and proceeded to change his diaper. Of course, N was crying on the changing table because he wanted to eat, but the moment Wayne turned on the lights and the happy baby music, N’s demeanor instantly changed and he stopped crying and started cooing. (Then a couple seconds later, he remembered that he was hungry, and started crying again.)

I am deliberately creating a similar positive association with tummy time. Every time I put N tummy down for him to work at lifting his head, he used to protest like crazy, face plant into the blanket, and cry (the only tummy time he would do would be on me). Now, when I place him on the blanket for tummy time, I coo and talk to him and encourage him and rub his back and touch his face. Now he thinks it’s playtime, so he willingly goes with it and lifts his head for longer periods of time, and coos back.

I debated about changing up my nap/sleep routine for N, because just a day or two ago, I started realizing that he was putting two and two together… the moment I close the blinds, turn on the fan (white noise), and start rocking and swaying him to sleep, he knows instantly what I’m doing and what is up ahead (sleep). And he is starting to fight it. Wayne is noticing it too, when he puts N down to bed for the night. N is discovering patterns, rhythms, and relationships between events and objects. Like that mobile hanging in the Pack n’ Play; we would play it for him every morning, and every morning he would stare at the bears and listen to the lullaby. A couple days ago, we noticed something with him; he is looking at the bears differently. He is tracking them with his eyes as they go around and around in a circle. He’s realizing that they move in a pattern, round and round. We had our first parenting pow-wow last night, and traded notes with what we saw of N’s development, and laid out a preliminary strategy.

When people say you can’t spoil a child, sometimes they are also talking about whether or not you can spoil a child by holding them too much. Some argue no, you can’t love a child too much, whereas others think you create an expectant spirit in the child on being held constantly. From what I’ve seen so far, my intuition tells me that it’s actually somewhere in the middle – no you can’t love a child too much, but you can unknowingly create patterns for the baby to be accustomed to. And N is only a handful of weeks old, and he’s already picked up on some of these behavioral patterns. It will only be a matter of time when he figures out his involvement/role with these patterns. No, a baby can’t be manipulative (they have no ill will!), but they eventually can figure out put together relationships between events and what links them together.

N is on his way there. I look at him sometimes and wonder what sorts of crazy connections are going on in that sweet little head of his. =)

A few key lessons I’ve had to swallow ~

1. The importance of taking care of myself FIRST.
Otherwise, I cannot be 100% available to care for my baby.
I recently hit the wall physically and emotionally… I was so physically exhausted, I nearly made myself physically sick, and I lost it emotionally. Sleep is so foundational to my well-being and to my soul! If I don’t get enough sleep, everything hits the fan. There’s no way I can adequately care for my baby when I am in pieces and barely functioning. A friend recently reminded me that this also applies to ministry as well – learning to care for oneself before caring for others. A very fundamental truth. (And you wonder why they always tell you on flights to always put the oxygen mask on first before assisting others.)

I knew the early weeks/months with a newborn would be tough, I just didn’t know what it would look like on a tangible level. I’m learning that my baby could possibly have a sensitive temperament, and mildly colicky (at least we tackled the reflux issues early on!). I’m learning to sleep when the baby sleeps (although when the baby refuses to sleep – which has been the case lately – then I’m absolutely screwed), and sometimes when the baby cries, I cry too. I am still having the occasional crying spell here and there. Except now, it’s not driven by hormones. It’s circumstances-driven. Sometimes as I am nursing Nathaniel, and he is gulping happily, I cuddle with him and stroke his head and cry. I love him so much and I am fiercely protective of him, and yet this is such hard work, and I wonder if I can do it. Wayne has to remind me what day it is, when I last showered, what my last meal was. Sometimes I forget if I’ve brushed my teeth or not. Everyday is an ordeal and a battle for physical and emotional survival. Friends tell me it will get better, so I am trying to be patient and go by faith.

2. Learning to let go of my independence.
Not sure if this is just as a struggle for working folks, but transitioning to a SAHM is a lot harder than I thought. Before, my time was truly MINE. My time did not belong to any employer, my husband, or any other person. It was really and truly my own time. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and set my own activities, schedules, and days. Now, my entire waking (and even non-waking) hours are at the mercy of one little person. And every day is different. When people want to come to visit, I really cannot plan ahead because I have no idea if I am free to entertain guests at that hour or not. Or even if I am available to answer the door! I no control over when I can take meal times, showers, even bathroom breaks. It all depends on the baby. Adjusting to living like this has been a lot harder than I realized. Although, there are desperate times where I absolutely need to take care of my own business, so I am forced to put the baby down and let him cry. Hearing him cry is like wanting to put your face through a blender. It’s instinctual for me as a mother to reach out to soothe him right away; it’s like a reflex. But when I can’t soothe him, I go crazy inside. It’s normal, and it’s difficult. But I’ve accepted it (probably because I’ve heard him crying so often) as a part of life. But it is still heartbreaking to hear.

3. God is in all the intimate details.
I have always struggled with lack of faith, and a lot of it is due to how I relate to my own human parents. I have never really known practical and daily love – only intellectual love that I know in my head, but have yet to experience on a real tangible level. And because I have never really grown up with tangible love, it has been difficult for me to take in what it truly means for God to love me. Intellectually, I understand and accept that, but on a living day-to-day basis, it’s hard to swallow. Is God intimately involved in my life? Does He care about the details? Does He care about what’s going on in my life? Does He care about how I feel, what is in my heart?

The preparation and arrival of Nathaniel has been proof of just that. Looking back, I see His hand in every step of the way. At the time, I had no clue what was going on. I was scared and felt lost, but trudged forward, not knowing where I was going, but just trusting. And He led me to exactly where I ought to be, right here and right now. He knew exactly what He was doing. There is comfort in knowing and living in His sovereignty; even though I don’t know where my path takes me and what to anticipate, I can rest easy in knowing that He’s guiding me, and I’m in good hands.