The grieving process is a bit more manageable these days, as it is sinking in more and we are a little further along with processing it all. It’s not as overwhelming as it was at first, and I don’t get suddenly weepy at every little reminder. But it is still relatively fresh and new, and everyday reminders still cause me to stop and take a moment to let the emotions pass through me. Yesterday at preschool, a mom came up to me and told me how J was the smartest 2 year old she had ever known, and proceeded to tell me all the amazing things that he knew. Of course, she was listing all the alphabet and number things. I politely chuckled and told her that J likes to be just like his older brother. And then in that moment, I thought of N and all the eccentricities he had and his amazing gifts, and also his significant delays. And a wave of emotion came crashing through me, and I had to take a moment to breathe a little.
This morning I was dropping N off at preschool and yet another mom came up to me and said that her son said that N was his friend, and drew him a picture of the number 5, because he knew that it was N’s favorite number. That touched me more than she knew, because N is unaware of friendships and the fact that a fellow 4 year old actually liked him enough to do something really sweet… and in that moment, I wondered when/if N will start having friendships and understand some level of reciprocity in relationships, or appreciate a gesture from the heart. This caused me to have another sudden wave of emotion come crashing through me, and I had to step away for a moment.
* * *
On another note, when someone compliments my child, I need to learn to receive it. I know this stems from my own problem in learning to gracefully accept compliments without putting myself down. Part of it is cultural, but as my kids get older and are watching my every move, I want them to know that I am proud of them too, and not put them down publically just for the sake of being culturally humble.