Ruth’s Reveries

Ever heard of Robert McGee’s book called The Search for Significance? During my pre-wedding debacle with my parents, a dear pastor took it upon himself to meet up with me weekly and go through this book with me. It was very much needed, and I appreciate my pastor seeing the innerdwellings of my struggles to address it so personally and specifically. And as I grow older (and hopefully wiser), I realize that this subject of signficance ain’t going away any time soon. It’s ingrained in me, it’s part of me, it will follow me wherever I go, whoever I become.

 

Christian psychologist Lawrence J. Crabb Jr. describes our need for self-esteem this way: “The basic personal need of each person is to regard himself as a worthwhile human being.” And, according to William Glasser, “Everyone aspires to have a happy, successful, pleasureable believe in himself.”

(The Search for Significance, by Robert S. McGee, pg. 11)

 

This is one of the reasons why I respect Wayne so much. My relationship with him has been very healing for me, in this area. It is the first time, I can relate to someone who actually respects me, as a person, as an individual. Someone who listens when I set down a boundary, and will back away and respect it, without judging me or trying to manipulate me otherwise (even if he disagrees with it). I think significance says alot about this because I am significant of a person to have a voice in this relationship and when I make my own choices and decisions, I am not only heard, but respected and left alone with it. Prior to Wayne, I have never encountered anything like this. I have never thought I could be heard, that my opinion counted, that I had choices, that I could take initiative, that as an individual, I was more than just a shadow. It was refreshing, frightening, strange, and freeing.

My primary relationships in life had never been that way. Granted, I was the child, but I never left that role. Don’t get me wrong - I fought to get out of that role, but I wasn’t allowed to be anything else or become anything else. I grew up with what Wayne would call, a crushed and suppressed spirit. And that greatly affected how I view myself, and how I conduct my choices and relationships in my life all around me. So I forced my way out of my child-role. At age 22. And consequentially (not by choice), these primary relationships were severed.

And as I get older, I realize that I still am looking for significance. In the people I befriend, in the career paths I chose, with the decisions I make. I can mask my decisions and choices under lots of labels: being zealous for God, doing the “right” thing, being a part of something great and worthy, whatever. But underneath it all, I realize that my innermost motivation was centered around myself. I want to be significant. I want to be the great one, I want to be the worthy one.

There are several things awry by this perspective. One of them being that somewhere, somehow this year, things shifted from a God-centered to a me-centered perspective. I derailed somewhere, but that’s ok. Time to climb back on again, with my head and heart cleared up.

Second thing, is back to the old subject of my identity. There is nothing wrong with the desire for significance - I think deep down, everyone to some level has the same desire. And I have struggled with this for awhile, and as God takes me to different seasons of my life, I will probably continue to struggle some more with this. Which is OK. I will change, and that is OK too. As long as wherever I am in my faith journey, I can rest my identity in these truths:

 

1. I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God. There is no need to fear failure.

2. I am totally accepted by God. There is no need to fear rejection.

3. I am deeply loved by God. I no longer have to fear punishment; nor do I have to punish others.

4. I have been made brand-new, complete in Christ. I no longer need to experience the pain of shame.

 

P.S. I’ve taken out the password-requirement for some of my previous posts. I think I’m ready to let it go.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006 at 3:05 pm and is filed under Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.